You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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