So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
