I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This house was built for laser tag.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
