i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did I show you my penis last night?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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