I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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