ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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