were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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