i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
