I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
