im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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