I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize