24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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