Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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