Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
