So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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