There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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