Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
