I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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