I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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