I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
