The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
