apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
