Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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