the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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