where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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