We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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