I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
