Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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