My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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