I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
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