I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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