it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
