im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
