my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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