There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
