guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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