my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
