He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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