I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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