I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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