Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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