he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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