wakey wakey hands off snakey
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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