just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
