A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
why is half of my head shaved?
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