Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
