Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
