I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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