bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
