yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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