I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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