the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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