Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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