I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize