Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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