i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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